Words Said Too Much and Not Enough

There has been tension brewing between B1 and B2 for some time now and it all came to a head today. Being boys, the end result was a bit of argy bargy, but it brought to the surface some really important issues.

B2 has recently gotten into the very bad habit of telling his big brother that he "hates" him whenever B1 does something annoying. The words are spoken with great emotion but little real feeling and absolutely no thought. B2 is very quick to blame B1 for anything that goes wrong in a Bart Simpson kind of way. LomL and I have been trying to deal with it with humour, ramping up the stakes, suggesting that "of course B1 was also responsible for all the ills of the world, both world wars, the extinction of the dinosaurs, global warming and the sinking of the Titanic". This has helped B1 see that we understand that B2's claims are outrageous and unfair.

Naturally, B1 has not been dealing with the situation well. It's hard to brush off statements like "I hate you!" when they're shrieked by your baby brother. B1's level of confusion has also gone through the roof since B2 gleefully screams his hatred at him one minute then runs up and asks him to play the next. It had all gone on far too long and today I finally blew my stack.

As I was explaining the situation to B2 and making him understand exactly how B1 felt each time these barbed words were spat at him, it made me realise just how much B1 loves his brother. Despite being stung with these words on a regular basis, despite hearing "I love you" from B2 only when prompted, B1 continues to entertain his little brother, continues to play with him, continues to protect him and help him. I felt so proud of him in that moment, so proud of the man he will one day be and so very privileged to be parenting him.

Even B2 finally got it when I asked him how he'd feel if his best buddy screamed "I hate you!" at him on a regular basis and pointed out that despite this, his big brother continued to play with him, try to do the things he likes and suggest activities.

We've made a pact now. "I hate you!" is NEVER to be spoken to another person in this house again. Not ever. We're allowed to hate a particular act or a particular behaviour, we're allowed to hate an outcome or even a situation. But never, never, NEVER are we to hate another person.

The old myth goes that if you say "I love you" too much, it loses its meaning. Rubbish, I say. You can never say "I love you" too much if you really mean it.

And there's the key. Too often words are spoken without thought for the meaning behind them. One phrase, three words... I hate you...I love you...both said too much without enough regard for their meaning.